It's frustrating.

It's frustrating when I can't tell whether or not someone is gay.

Especially when I think I like him.

Although I have never ever been so inclined to have one of these moments, let alone state it, I have a feeling this is one of those "fml" moments everyone keeps talking about.

Now I know I have always chosen guys I can't have but this time I have gone too fucking far.

Too far Dana. TOO FAR.

Can't base what I'm gonna be off of what everybody isn't.

No one to receive.

I was released from my imprisonment
Eighteen years sentence of rattling the gates and gnawing at cold metal
Chiding the guards to let me out

Candy bar for the keys in your pocket fat sir?

Efforts didn't last long. I settled
made friends with my surroundings
They always left. Got out early.

Bailed out, just doing probation now.

They never shared their secrets
All the visits they paid me shoved betrayal scented shit down my throat
I disguised my gagging face--well.

These four walls are telling me more than you. I want to know how

I went to sleep with thoughts confining
Drowned in a buzz of distraction, distractions bought my freedom
the undefined term was up and my undefined being was out
The dialogue stops because I have no one to talk to
The subject is tired and I'm on the outside
I'm on the outside walking with the dust settled on the empty homeland
Nothing keeping me in here, no escape to work for, no stressful endurance to muster up
No feelings here, only a single dimensional straight walk filled with tasks to complete
To keep me distracted from the desire for an invigoration of sorts
What about turning? Left, right--back.
Back is better than the barren outside.
But I'm on the outside walking with the dust settled on the empty homeland.

A change of place.

I keep telling myself I need to relocate. But I also kinda think location is what I'm blaming a bigger issue on.

Last week a moment hit when I realized that I hadn't genuinely liked or had a crush on anyone in 3 years.

3 years.

That's absurdity.

And it's not that I haven't found anyone attractive or cool. It isn't as though I'm realizing I'm asexual or something. Although, the thought crossed my mind and deeply frightened me. I then proceeded to find many examples to disprove that theory.

The point is that I haven't found anyone that has seriously and attentively piqued my interest. And I can't for the life of me understand why. Instinctively, I think that it's because I just haven't met anyone, that my "selection" (sorry for the terribly stupid word choice but you get my point) is tired out, pretty much non existent, and proving hopeless. For the most part, school has very few guys and the guys that are there are usually either gay or stereotypically the rich spoiled jocky douchey type. And I'm not a party girl so there really is no forum for me to meet anyone. So that's a no.

Other forms of my social life usually tend to lack guys unless they're my friends' boyfriends and I'm not THAT girl. So that's a no.

My family doesn't have long time child hood friends, people my age that I grew up with. My mother doesn't socialize much anymore. My sister's friends are all girls with husbands so those are the only guys I meet in that circle. So that's a no.

I feel as though I need to live somewhere else to refresh my surroundings.

But I can't tell if it's because of that or if it's simply my inability to accept that certain options are a real possibility. Maybe the longer this takes, the higher my standards get. Dangerously high standards.

What's silly is that I'm not even looking for a relationship. I don't have time for one. At all. The thought of dividing my time even more scares the shit out of me. I just want my heart to do that fluttery thing again when I see him at school or my mouth to do that awkward stuttery thing when I talk to him. I just want someone to immaturely think about, blush about, and talk about with my friends. I can't remember what the hell any of that feels anymore because it's been so damn long since I've felt ANYTHING for a guy.

I want to hold my breath everytime I get a text message and wonder if it's him. I want to do all that stupid shit such as thinking of a reason to see him or call him. Stuff that both people know is planned but don't care about calling out the underlying flirtation.

Flirtation.

FUCK.

I don't even know what that is anymore.

I want to go to the place where that's not true.

I need a new place--whether it be literal or figurative, I just don't know.

But something better change before that part of my heart permanently remains in the state of icy stone.

Oof.

No time in the world ladies and gents. Absolutely no time for anything but school and sleep.

But I thought I'd take a moment to share.

New Muse CD is the bees' knees.

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart.
I want recognize your beauty's not just a mask.
I want to exorcise the demons from your past.
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires of your heart.

This song is my favesiez.

New Pearl Jam, Jay-Z, and YACHT is also fabulous. Also stuck in a Tom Waits addiction. His voice makes me all nice and bluesy/jazzy happy inside.

I'M 82!!!!!

Papa bear. Baby bear.

My father is being checked into the hospital as I type these words and I'm sure you're wondering, "Why the fuck aren't you there you terrible terrible daughter?"

Well atleast that's what I'm wondering.

I was told not to come.

I don't understand why the baby of the family (who is no longer a baby my friends) has to be protected from all the badness and all the sadness.

Yet, when it comes time to really BE THERE, like taking my mother to have her surgery and radiation treatments and changing her bandaids, after we find out that everything should be okay--sure that's when I come in. Their intention is to protect but all they do is isolate me--whether it's away from the bad news or dealing with the aftermath.

Oof. I'm tired.

The search for peace worsens the problem.

So I haven't written in this thing very consistently lately, mostly because I don't even have time to sleep. I wrote a short essay/op-ed type assignment for my peace and conflict in the Middle East class and thought I would share. I won't elaborate on it because well--I have no time.

When the British and French ruled over this region after the fall of the Ottoman Empire, the transition into independent states created religious extremism in order to fill the void of expression that authoritarian rule created. As we see today, that extremism on both the Jewish and the Muslim side is clear and only building in strength. However, the attempt at fixing the major issues is only exacerbating that vacuum and contributing to the build of religious extremism as a means for political outlet.

As the perpetual search for peace continues, mainly between Israel and Palestine, nations involved in putting forth these plans for peace want to take religion out of the picture and ignore it as the central problem. That is the biggest and most ignorant mistake. When you take something away, something must fill that space. Removing religion from the plans for peace, from the ideas of shared dialogue, removes something that will only be filled by more religious extremism.

Michael Melchior states in an opinions piese in the Jerusalem Post that “when we look at the successes and failures in the pursuit of peace in the Middle East, we can see that there has been a failure to integrate religion and interreligious dialogue. The repeated attempts to ignore religion's critical role in the search for peace have been wrong. Today, almost no conflicts exist in which religion does not constitute a central component.”

Although it is a highly political issue of two people wanting the same land, to deny religion’s place in it would be self destructive to each nation if not just plain stupid. “Because religion was excluded from the solution, it became an ever-growing part of the problem. It was filled by extremist elements who tried to turn the conflict into a religious one - a conflict between ‘my God’ and ‘your God’ where there can be no compromise and no solution,” said Melchior.

This brings us back to the concept that Juan Cole discusses in the introduction to his book, Engaging the Muslim World. There is this feeling set in the hearts of Israelis and Palestinians (especially in the context of extremists) as though it is set in stone: “us and them,” a mental state of me against you. With the way the media constructs images, especially in the United States, we are often led to believe that the extreme ones are the Muslims because that is what we see—all day, everyday. Without denying the existence of Muslim extremists, I bring to the light that the “us vs. them,” or in the context of religion as I have discussed it, “my God” and “your God,” Israeli extremism is just as crucial.

According to a New York Times news story by Ethan Bronner, after the withdrawal of Jews from Gaza and four West Bank settlements, a group of religious Jews that believe they have a divine right to this land, illegally settled in these abandoned regions. Behind their slogan, “Never forgive! Never forget,” many of them are armed, refusing to leave that land and furious about Israel’s withdrawal from the region in 2005. The founder of Havat Gilad, the name of this settlement, vows that “they’ll have to kill us to get us out of here.” The settlement claims that their nation has forgotten the drive for Zionism altogether and that they must carry that goal themselves.

Aside from the plethora of violent acts against Palestinians including cutting off all major supplies for weeks, if not months, at a time, this religious extremism, just as Islamic extremism, creates a religious political outlet. It also creates clear resistance to any all peace processes because those processes choose to not address the crucial nature religion has in the entire ordeal.

Things to complain about.

1. School is taking away all hours for work so I'm broke
2. Spent all the money I had saved for my tattoo on books and art supplies
3. I have a lot of debt that wasn't there 2 months ago
4. Alopecia is relapsing a bit
5. I'm at school from 8 am to 10 pm pretty much everyday
6. The only days I'm not, I'm at work or doing homework
7. I haven't had time to read leisurely books in weeks
8. I commute and use gas like a bitch. (See #1)
9. My best friend is finally in town and I have no time to really see her
10. My sister and father make the house a mess and I clean until midnight before doing homework
11. I miss my mother and she needs to come back now
12. I have a stupid large ass fine at the library (see #1)
13. I spent 8 hours in the newsroom yesterday and will do the same on Sunday

But I don't give a shit.

I couldn't be happier with life than I am right now.

I never complain about these things. It takes everything for me to stop myself from going on and on about how wonderful all my classes are and how fun the newsroom is at midnight when everyone is laughing out of delirium and begging the managing editor to go get us stuff from the local liquor store.

It takes all my efforts to maintain my giggling excitement when I see the page spreads actually coming together in final form.

I catch myself smiling and utterly fascinated at the end of a lecture in my Peace and Conflict in the Middle East class.

I don't even feel the hours go by in my graphic design classes as I practice calligraphy while my professor plays ancient Buddhist monk music, or as I sketch all the possibilities for my logo design project.

I embarrassingly laugh at myself in my graphic deign history class when I realize that I said "Whoaaa...." aloud after hearing something just ridiculously interesting about ancient type and design.

I have the most lighthearted and laughable time with my best friends. And despite the annoyance, I feel warm and relieved when I come home to a house with my dorky cynical father and my even dorkier analytic sister.

I don't think I've ever felt this passionately immersed in something before.

And it makes me think, I was so wrong when I thought I knew what I wanted--when I thought I was so right. It's probably one of the most important things I've learned.

Don't push something aside because you've spent your entire life stuck to one thing or to one idea of who you are going to be in life. Don't stick with something because it was "the plan." Sometimes the plan is shit. Or sometimes the plan isn't as good as you thought and definitely isn't the right one for you.

I underestimated my love for art. I underestimated how much I could apply it to life and my future. But I pushed it aside because the plan was to be THE WRITER. To be THE JOURNALIST. Art is a pastime, not a realistic plan for life and a career. That's what I believed, that my love for art was secondary to something I was better at and to something that was more applicable. And although I still plan to author published novels and poems, nothing gets me more excited than design.

In retrospect, it's almost terrifying how wrong you can be about yourself--your OWN self. What's even stranger is how everyone else knew it about you all the while.

Social (and Sexual) Politics.

Don't play the game.
Everyone loses and/or looks like a fool.

Many times people believe they are pulling the ropes of social encounters and predicaments in their favor, acting in such a way and doing such things to control a situation in their favor.

Those poor little fucks.

Today my sister spent a good half hour (this is excluding the last time the topic of attending this get together was discussed) debating on whether or not to attend a dinner at one of her best friend's house. Why? Because SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED would be there--this old fart of a lady who acts and tries to look like a 25 year old who gossips and sticks her nose in other people's business...A LOT. She also happens to be her husband's aunt and she also happens to have recently pushed a lot of my sister's WRONG buttons (i.e. starting drama using her personal life).

Anyways...I listened to a half hour of this incessant debating, this list of maneuvers in social politics.

"I refuse to go. She's going to open up stories and topics with me. I don't need any more drama."

"Shit. Now all the other girls are going. It's going to look obvious if I'm the only one who doesn't come. She's gonna know why I'm not there. I have to go. I don't need her talking and starting drama about why I'm not there."

(this one's my favorite): "I should go. By going, I'm showing her I don't know or don't care what she says. I'll be calling her bluff--confronting her on her bullshit by showing that I can see her, be respectful and not give in to her need for drama."

AHHHHHHHHH FUCK PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NONSENSE.

If someone is a shit talker, they're a shit talker and will be so regardless of your political maneuvers. Drama and gossiping can only dent the structure of your life if you let it--if you're the type of person that takes bullshit seriously. Which, by the way, is an oximoron. Bullshit is bullshit and is not to be taken seriously. HINT: if it's coming out of the bull's ass (AKA a shit talker's mouth), that means it's bullshit. Hate to state the obvious folks.

Do what you want. If you want to go...here's a thought...GO! If you don't, then don't. Because no matter what you do, a bull will remain a bull and yes, it will continue to unload mounds of shit. If she wants to talk, she'll find something to talk about regardless of your actions. You can't control it. Trying to play this game is only giving into what she wants.

I use this case in point because it's easier to explain things that way, but it applies in so many situations.

A classic is in a more specified region of social politics: SEXUAL POLITICS.

Everything from when the guy should call to what do you wear to the social gathering where your recently entitled EX is going to be as well. It's like...god dammit people, why can't you just do as you please and stop thinking you can control, evaluate or sway a situation by passive aggressive actions, gestures, or comments. If you have a thought or inclination, just say or do. None of this shake your hand with one of mine but hold a knife behind my back in the other. Better yet, none of this behavior that "you don't care" when you clearly do.

It's really quite fucking annoying.
Two easy steps: 1. Be Nice 2. Be Honest.

Yes. It's that simple.