what if it all falls out again
what if i have to face the decision of lying to the world again or baring my shiny head to the world.
what if all these years of doctors and treatments falls through my hands in one fell swoop
what if i have to make up stories again to explain why I can't spend the night or why I can't go swimming or why I spazzed when you went to touch my head.
well, you think i'm crazy?
well what if you had to go back to the worst time in your life and live it again knowing it was the second time around.
domenica 25 luglio 2010
mercoledì 16 giugno 2010
domenica 6 giugno 2010
Vows.
This summer, I vow to make it the summer of spontaneity, of letting go, and loosening my slightly tight ass. I vow it to be the summer of my first kiss, not the one where I wait for someone to make it happen for me but the one where I hold someone's face and do it myself...because I want to and because I won't obsess over the meaning or morals of it.
It sounds stupid, but I think this vow is highly influenced by Yes Man. Not that it gave me the idea, but that it put all my own thoughts straight in front of my face.
I hide behind my "moral standards" but really it's all just because it's easier to say no and remain the same than it is to say yes and do something I've never done before. I know this about myself. I have always known this about myself. But I don't think it'll really really hit me until someone calls me out on it. Everyone puts me at this moral pinnacle (which is such bullshit and just makes me lie to myself even more) and then I keep saying no when I should say yes. They make me feel proud of my hide out and my "morals" when really I'm ashamed of it sometimes because it keeps me stuck where I am. If my friends don't call me out on it at the right time, then I think I'm going to stay like this until I meet a guy who isn't afraid to tell me to "stop acting self righteous when in reality you aren't...when in reality you're just hiding and I'm not going to let you." Or something less rehearsed and movie-like.
I see the bullshit. And I try to overcome it. Sometimes I do. I really try. But it's easy to keep acting when everyone on set thinks that's the real you.
It sounds stupid, but I think this vow is highly influenced by Yes Man. Not that it gave me the idea, but that it put all my own thoughts straight in front of my face.
I hide behind my "moral standards" but really it's all just because it's easier to say no and remain the same than it is to say yes and do something I've never done before. I know this about myself. I have always known this about myself. But I don't think it'll really really hit me until someone calls me out on it. Everyone puts me at this moral pinnacle (which is such bullshit and just makes me lie to myself even more) and then I keep saying no when I should say yes. They make me feel proud of my hide out and my "morals" when really I'm ashamed of it sometimes because it keeps me stuck where I am. If my friends don't call me out on it at the right time, then I think I'm going to stay like this until I meet a guy who isn't afraid to tell me to "stop acting self righteous when in reality you aren't...when in reality you're just hiding and I'm not going to let you." Or something less rehearsed and movie-like.
I see the bullshit. And I try to overcome it. Sometimes I do. I really try. But it's easy to keep acting when everyone on set thinks that's the real you.
martedì 4 maggio 2010
Baby Haters.
I've been meaning to express my frustration with this matter for quite some time now and I think my anger with it has come to an all time high today so here goes.
Babies are fucking cute.
Babies are BABIES. They're tiny and soft and their eyes are filled with fascination ALL THE TIME.
Babies are amazing and they always make me smile.
Sure they poo, and cry, and throw fits, BUT FUCK....SO DO YOU!!! And crying and bitching and bodily functions are may more annoying and 10x more gross in big people than in babies. And at least they bitch about shit that matters...I don't know like...eating, pain, and wanting to be with people who love them.
My generation of people, the 19 - 20-something year olds, hate babies. I know this girl at school who will literally verbally attack you if you mention the idea of having babies. Not about HER having babies, but about ANYONE having babies. She thinks it's the most selfish, narcissistic, and disgusting thing people can do. Why do I know this? She's not my friend. Oh, no no no. She had a fit in class and decided to tell all this to the class once someone started talking about creating offspring. Talk about some repressed childhood fucked up shit.
She's a sassy neurotic bitch. But that's besides the point.
WHY? Why!?!?!?! I don't get it. It's how YOU were given life you idiot. And I'm not saying everyone should have babies. In fact many people should really NOT have babies, but for those who want them, don't hate. Don't hate the idea and don't hate the baby when you walk by one in public that's crying.
I know so many people that hate babies. Some friends, some not. Hell, even my professor the other day made some snarky comment about not liking babies and not thinking they're cute.
My generation is like...the opposite of the baby boomer generation. It is the baby hater generation. And it makes me really upset. I don't know maybe it'll help with ridiculous population growth or something.
What happened to seeing the beauty in having children? Family? Teaching amazing things to someone else? Sacrificing you life for another human and WANTING to do it with every fiber of your being? Why is the idea of children only losing money, stress, a burden, and simply a pain in the ass these days?
I'm really tired of hanging out with my age group, passing by children, and then listening to them complain about kids and how they should shut up or stay locked up at home away from "people," and then swearing to never have kids. It's all usually matched with a distorted facial expression emphasizing disgust. Some gag.
I have kids in my family. A 5 year old niece and a 3 year old nephew. I have another niece and nephew on the way. And I love it. Seeing them is the best part of my life sometimes. And people swear that all kids do is yell and scream and cry and bitch. But really people, it's not that hard. When kids are bad, it's usually the parents or caretakers fault. Communicating with kids is so simple, but because we're the baby haters we just yell "No!" and "Don't!" and "Stop!" We forget that they are people. Little people, sure. But people. Just talk to them. Teach them. Explain to them. It's really quite amazing. And it may not work every time, but they're KIDS. Enjoy all the beautiful things: their honesty, their ability to tell the best jokes and say the funniest shit you'll ever hear, their thoughts and personality at work and in progress. It's awesome.
So please.
Stop trippin' and don't hate.
Babies are fucking cute.
Babies are BABIES. They're tiny and soft and their eyes are filled with fascination ALL THE TIME.
Babies are amazing and they always make me smile.
Sure they poo, and cry, and throw fits, BUT FUCK....SO DO YOU!!! And crying and bitching and bodily functions are may more annoying and 10x more gross in big people than in babies. And at least they bitch about shit that matters...I don't know like...eating, pain, and wanting to be with people who love them.
My generation of people, the 19 - 20-something year olds, hate babies. I know this girl at school who will literally verbally attack you if you mention the idea of having babies. Not about HER having babies, but about ANYONE having babies. She thinks it's the most selfish, narcissistic, and disgusting thing people can do. Why do I know this? She's not my friend. Oh, no no no. She had a fit in class and decided to tell all this to the class once someone started talking about creating offspring. Talk about some repressed childhood fucked up shit.
She's a sassy neurotic bitch. But that's besides the point.
WHY? Why!?!?!?! I don't get it. It's how YOU were given life you idiot. And I'm not saying everyone should have babies. In fact many people should really NOT have babies, but for those who want them, don't hate. Don't hate the idea and don't hate the baby when you walk by one in public that's crying.
I know so many people that hate babies. Some friends, some not. Hell, even my professor the other day made some snarky comment about not liking babies and not thinking they're cute.
My generation is like...the opposite of the baby boomer generation. It is the baby hater generation. And it makes me really upset. I don't know maybe it'll help with ridiculous population growth or something.
What happened to seeing the beauty in having children? Family? Teaching amazing things to someone else? Sacrificing you life for another human and WANTING to do it with every fiber of your being? Why is the idea of children only losing money, stress, a burden, and simply a pain in the ass these days?
I'm really tired of hanging out with my age group, passing by children, and then listening to them complain about kids and how they should shut up or stay locked up at home away from "people," and then swearing to never have kids. It's all usually matched with a distorted facial expression emphasizing disgust. Some gag.
I have kids in my family. A 5 year old niece and a 3 year old nephew. I have another niece and nephew on the way. And I love it. Seeing them is the best part of my life sometimes. And people swear that all kids do is yell and scream and cry and bitch. But really people, it's not that hard. When kids are bad, it's usually the parents or caretakers fault. Communicating with kids is so simple, but because we're the baby haters we just yell "No!" and "Don't!" and "Stop!" We forget that they are people. Little people, sure. But people. Just talk to them. Teach them. Explain to them. It's really quite amazing. And it may not work every time, but they're KIDS. Enjoy all the beautiful things: their honesty, their ability to tell the best jokes and say the funniest shit you'll ever hear, their thoughts and personality at work and in progress. It's awesome.
So please.
Stop trippin' and don't hate.
mercoledì 28 aprile 2010
Not writing.
I haven't posted as often because I've gone away from writing recently. Mostly I'm drawing and painting.
In the middle of each project I sketch out 3 more ideas I need to do. That "need to do" pile has been growing exponentially and I thank summer for the time it will allow.
So here's a summary of me that has been on canvases and drawing paper and not in writing:
Regrets:
not kissing him
being a bitch that one time
Happinesses:
yoga
shandise and kailee
hip hop
coloring my own hair...turquoise!
future:
art history in italy
atlanta in summer
internship at a design firm...???
designing my "be nice" campaign and my israeli/palestinian series posters
summer concerts: muse, the offspring, and 311
kthxbyeee
In the middle of each project I sketch out 3 more ideas I need to do. That "need to do" pile has been growing exponentially and I thank summer for the time it will allow.
So here's a summary of me that has been on canvases and drawing paper and not in writing:
Regrets:
not kissing him
being a bitch that one time
Happinesses:
yoga
shandise and kailee
hip hop
coloring my own hair...turquoise!
future:
art history in italy
atlanta in summer
internship at a design firm...???
designing my "be nice" campaign and my israeli/palestinian series posters
summer concerts: muse, the offspring, and 311
kthxbyeee
lunedì 26 aprile 2010
Balls.
I really wish men would use their genitals for the right reasons.
Instead of wanting to have sex with everything, why don't you build a little fuckin' courage?
Just sayin'.
Instead of wanting to have sex with everything, why don't you build a little fuckin' courage?
Just sayin'.
domenica 4 aprile 2010
CDs to buy.
New Buffalo
Dustin O'Halloran
Komeda
Broken Bells
We Are Standard
Prototypes
Astrid Swan
Doktor Kosmos
Beangrowers
and many other artists on Minty Fresh Records
Dustin O'Halloran
Komeda
Broken Bells
We Are Standard
Prototypes
Astrid Swan
Doktor Kosmos
Beangrowers
and many other artists on Minty Fresh Records
martedì 30 marzo 2010
Every damn time.
I really need to stop watching those finding yourself and falling in love with the perfect person movies that I love so much because really, they just make me depressed as hell. Happy for about 2.5 hours and then depressed as hell.
It's cliche and annoying, but I really don't give a fuck.
It's cliche and annoying, but I really don't give a fuck.
venerdì 19 marzo 2010
A moment of your time.
Can I just take this time to say that I'm really happy?
Friends are so good. All of them.
School is so good, challenging, but manageable. My projects are actually pretty cool and I'm getting into them. And reading War & Peace has got to be one of the most amazing experiences I've had with literature.
I have time for my art. I'm drawing, I'm writing, I'm painting.
I'm only further enjoying hanging out with all these new amazing people in life.
I've met a guy that is currently being a fun and adorable flirtation for me, and that's it for now and I know it which makes it fun instead of stressful. And I'm not obsessive about making it more than that because it's just fun...as a new friend.
My new best friend is proving to be one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. And I can't wait to sit by the pool with her today as well as other awesome friends.
It's crazy because you get so caught up in the fun and joyfulness that you forget to step back and notice it. You forget to stop in your tracks and look at everything and just think..."Thank you. Thank you God. Thank you life. Thank you loved ones. Just thank you." Normally it's the bad that's so easy to notice, but I'm taking this moment to notice...all this.
Friends are so good. All of them.
School is so good, challenging, but manageable. My projects are actually pretty cool and I'm getting into them. And reading War & Peace has got to be one of the most amazing experiences I've had with literature.
I have time for my art. I'm drawing, I'm writing, I'm painting.
I'm only further enjoying hanging out with all these new amazing people in life.
I've met a guy that is currently being a fun and adorable flirtation for me, and that's it for now and I know it which makes it fun instead of stressful. And I'm not obsessive about making it more than that because it's just fun...as a new friend.
My new best friend is proving to be one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. And I can't wait to sit by the pool with her today as well as other awesome friends.
It's crazy because you get so caught up in the fun and joyfulness that you forget to step back and notice it. You forget to stop in your tracks and look at everything and just think..."Thank you. Thank you God. Thank you life. Thank you loved ones. Just thank you." Normally it's the bad that's so easy to notice, but I'm taking this moment to notice...all this.
giovedì 11 marzo 2010
WARNING.
Everything annoys me today.
So I sit by myself and work for fear of bitching someone out which I will regret later.
I need a nice, beautiful glass of wine.
So I sit by myself and work for fear of bitching someone out which I will regret later.
I need a nice, beautiful glass of wine.
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