What if it happens

what if it all falls out again
what if i have to face the decision of lying to the world again or baring my shiny head to the world.

what if all these years of doctors and treatments falls through my hands in one fell swoop

what if i have to make up stories again to explain why I can't spend the night or why I can't go swimming or why I spazzed when you went to touch my head.

well, you think i'm crazy?

well what if you had to go back to the worst time in your life and live it again knowing it was the second time around.

Because tumblr is better

SO MUCH BETTER

tuleep.tumblr.com

Vows.

This summer, I vow to make it the summer of spontaneity, of letting go, and loosening my slightly tight ass. I vow it to be the summer of my first kiss, not the one where I wait for someone to make it happen for me but the one where I hold someone's face and do it myself...because I want to and because I won't obsess over the meaning or morals of it.

It sounds stupid, but I think this vow is highly influenced by Yes Man. Not that it gave me the idea, but that it put all my own thoughts straight in front of my face.

I hide behind my "moral standards" but really it's all just because it's easier to say no and remain the same than it is to say yes and do something I've never done before. I know this about myself. I have always known this about myself. But I don't think it'll really really hit me until someone calls me out on it. Everyone puts me at this moral pinnacle (which is such bullshit and just makes me lie to myself even more) and then I keep saying no when I should say yes. They make me feel proud of my hide out and my "morals" when really I'm ashamed of it sometimes because it keeps me stuck where I am. If my friends don't call me out on it at the right time, then I think I'm going to stay like this until I meet a guy who isn't afraid to tell me to "stop acting self righteous when in reality you aren't...when in reality you're just hiding and I'm not going to let you." Or something less rehearsed and movie-like.

I see the bullshit. And I try to overcome it. Sometimes I do. I really try. But it's easy to keep acting when everyone on set thinks that's the real you.

Baby Haters.

I've been meaning to express my frustration with this matter for quite some time now and I think my anger with it has come to an all time high today so here goes.


Babies are fucking cute.
Babies are BABIES. They're tiny and soft and their eyes are filled with fascination ALL THE TIME.
Babies are amazing and they always make me smile.

Sure they poo, and cry, and throw fits, BUT FUCK....SO DO YOU!!! And crying and bitching and bodily functions are may more annoying and 10x more gross in big people than in babies. And at least they bitch about shit that matters...I don't know like...eating, pain, and wanting to be with people who love them.

My generation of people, the 19 - 20-something year olds, hate babies. I know this girl at school who will literally verbally attack you if you mention the idea of having babies. Not about HER having babies, but about ANYONE having babies. She thinks it's the most selfish, narcissistic, and disgusting thing people can do. Why do I know this? She's not my friend. Oh, no no no. She had a fit in class and decided to tell all this to the class once someone started talking about creating offspring. Talk about some repressed childhood fucked up shit.

She's a sassy neurotic bitch. But that's besides the point.

WHY? Why!?!?!?! I don't get it. It's how YOU were given life you idiot. And I'm not saying everyone should have babies. In fact many people should really NOT have babies, but for those who want them, don't hate. Don't hate the idea and don't hate the baby when you walk by one in public that's crying.

I know so many people that hate babies. Some friends, some not. Hell, even my professor the other day made some snarky comment about not liking babies and not thinking they're cute.

My generation is like...the opposite of the baby boomer generation. It is the baby hater generation. And it makes me really upset. I don't know maybe it'll help with ridiculous population growth or something.

What happened to seeing the beauty in having children? Family? Teaching amazing things to someone else? Sacrificing you life for another human and WANTING to do it with every fiber of your being? Why is the idea of children only losing money, stress, a burden, and simply a pain in the ass these days?

I'm really tired of hanging out with my age group, passing by children, and then listening to them complain about kids and how they should shut up or stay locked up at home away from "people," and then swearing to never have kids. It's all usually matched with a distorted facial expression emphasizing disgust. Some gag.

I have kids in my family. A 5 year old niece and a 3 year old nephew. I have another niece and nephew on the way. And I love it. Seeing them is the best part of my life sometimes. And people swear that all kids do is yell and scream and cry and bitch. But really people, it's not that hard. When kids are bad, it's usually the parents or caretakers fault. Communicating with kids is so simple, but because we're the baby haters we just yell "No!" and "Don't!" and "Stop!" We forget that they are people. Little people, sure. But people. Just talk to them. Teach them. Explain to them. It's really quite amazing. And it may not work every time, but they're KIDS. Enjoy all the beautiful things: their honesty, their ability to tell the best jokes and say the funniest shit you'll ever hear, their thoughts and personality at work and in progress. It's awesome.

So please.
Stop trippin' and don't hate.

Not writing.

I haven't posted as often because I've gone away from writing recently. Mostly I'm drawing and painting.

In the middle of each project I sketch out 3 more ideas I need to do. That "need to do" pile has been growing exponentially and I thank summer for the time it will allow.

So here's a summary of me that has been on canvases and drawing paper and not in writing:

Regrets:

not kissing him
being a bitch that one time

Happinesses:

yoga
shandise and kailee
hip hop
coloring my own hair...turquoise!

future:

art history in italy
atlanta in summer
internship at a design firm...???
designing my "be nice" campaign and my israeli/palestinian series posters
summer concerts: muse, the offspring, and 311

kthxbyeee

Balls.

I really wish men would use their genitals for the right reasons.

Instead of wanting to have sex with everything, why don't you build a little fuckin' courage?

Just sayin'.

CDs to buy.

New Buffalo
Dustin O'Halloran
Komeda
Broken Bells
We Are Standard
Prototypes
Astrid Swan
Doktor Kosmos
Beangrowers

and many other artists on Minty Fresh Records

Every damn time.

I really need to stop watching those finding yourself and falling in love with the perfect person movies that I love so much because really, they just make me depressed as hell. Happy for about 2.5 hours and then depressed as hell.

It's cliche and annoying, but I really don't give a fuck.

A moment of your time.

Can I just take this time to say that I'm really happy?

Friends are so good. All of them.
School is so good, challenging, but manageable. My projects are actually pretty cool and I'm getting into them. And reading War & Peace has got to be one of the most amazing experiences I've had with literature.
I have time for my art. I'm drawing, I'm writing, I'm painting.
I'm only further enjoying hanging out with all these new amazing people in life.
I've met a guy that is currently being a fun and adorable flirtation for me, and that's it for now and I know it which makes it fun instead of stressful. And I'm not obsessive about making it more than that because it's just fun...as a new friend.
My new best friend is proving to be one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. And I can't wait to sit by the pool with her today as well as other awesome friends.

It's crazy because you get so caught up in the fun and joyfulness that you forget to step back and notice it. You forget to stop in your tracks and look at everything and just think..."Thank you. Thank you God. Thank you life. Thank you loved ones. Just thank you." Normally it's the bad that's so easy to notice, but I'm taking this moment to notice...all this.

WARNING.

Everything annoys me today.

So I sit by myself and work for fear of bitching someone out which I will regret later.

I need a nice, beautiful glass of wine.

Aghem.

I'm spinning here
alone
watching everything become
everything
arms twisted up
above

up above up above up above

Force drives me
crazy
seeing blurry things
clearly
heart stay still
here

still here still here still here

This morning, I woke up.

Feeling brand new.

I had what I can say to be a pretty amazing night last night - just me and Shan being ridiculous and laughing to the point of no return.

"Dude ur def like my best friend here...thanks so much guch" (She calls me guch, short for gucci...it's a long story)

^best text message ever

Great night and chill morning with some amazing (and new) people in this life of mine.
Everything else - the part where people don't treat me right but all I want to do is be good with them again - is finally not the first thing on my mind today.

You know how I do.

girl actin' like a bitch
breakin ma heart
tearin everything apart
all for no god damn reason
tis the season
to put it in the past
what once was first
must now be the last

I mean...I'm just sayin'

I've been listening to a lot of hip hop lately...a lot. And I don't mean the nonsense stuff. I mean the good shit. And for some ridiculous reason, rap lines started coming together in my head. That shit you just read? It has a fuckin' beat to it too.

Cathartic as hell and also makes me laugh pretty hard-- straight through the tears.

Don't hate.

It's really sad.

It's really sad that every time my phone rings my heart races and I hold my breath.
It's really sad I don't want to sign on to facebook because I don't want to see someone NOT talking to me, but talking to everyone else.
It's really sad that I'm chasing something that doesn't want me.
It's really sad that I can't say "I'm over it" without lying.
It's really sad that I can't sleep right now.
It's really sad that I've gotten about 10 hours of attention in the last year.
It's really sad that I know that.
It's really sad that I never thought there was something wrong with that.
It's really sad that the new and exciting things right now seem drowned.
It's really sad that I thought I was so important.
It's really sad that everyone who knows me tells me the same damn things that should be obvious.
It's really sad that I always get defensive when they do.
It's really sad that I always have to explain why I'm still in this.

It's really sad that all of this which sounds like a stupid boy fling is really my best friend.

It's just really fucking sad.

Twirl.

I've been having this recurring image in my head for the past week or so of me swirling my arms above my head like how DNA strands wrap around each other. And then the rest of my body follows just spinning and gaining speed, like an Olympic ice skater on solid, room temperature ground.

It comes and goes as it pleases. And it makes me want to physically do it.

I don't know what to do with it.

It must be done.

So here it is.
The newest standard of best cat video of all time. (In my books at least)

You're a wolf boy, get out of this town.

Good god, last night, the night of my 21st birthday, was amazing.

But good god, today was hell. Sister's health is compromised while I officially validate my choice to never ever have children. Adoption all the way bitches.

Talk about a bi-polar weekend. And I didn't get any homework done. So you know, tomorrow should be fuckin' great too.

rawr

You're in a lion's fight.

Just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you don't know how to roar.



also



It's hard to take last place when you've spent years being convinced you're in first.

I thought it was okay. I thought, maybe in action it doesn't show, but in thought...I just know it. It's there. After this long? It has to be there.

But I'm running a never ending race. One I can't win. One that doesn't end. One that makes me tired and hateful and wasteful with the strength I've built up for myself.



also



ENDLESS

it's like i'm running
running and running
running
not from anything, not from something
from something in front of me
running from something i get closer to
with each panicked footing
heaving breaths, rotting muscles

i'll get there, i'll get there
in the end, i'll be first
in the end, i'll matter
in the end
but i need to breathe
in the end

Heart compartments.

You never stop feeling things for people.

People are your best friends. Your love interests. Your first potential falling in love person.

But even when the heartbreak crashes in, even when the betrayals stab deep, you feel things, the same things, for them.

Even when time rolls on by and the awkwardness fades and you reach the friendly conversation again that you know will never go past that or you haven't spoken to them in 10 years, you still feel things.

The things you feel for the many people who have come in and walked out are as good as new even when you wish they were old, tattered, torn, and sitting at the bottom of the land fill.

Hur.

Cutting off about 6 inches of hair and being left with about 1.

It's really quite liberating.

I hate to be negative.

But sometimes shit just annoys me too much not to say anything.

Why is it that when something tragic happens to a particular nationality or race or group that the people who can call themselves a part of that group claim the upper hand and special right to grieve THE MOST or to especially demand the right to be hurt or sad more than any other human?

Why is it that when a plane full of Lebanese people die in a plane crash, every damn Lebanese person and their mother think their facebooks and daily life have to stop and be suddenly splattered with RIP and Lebanese flags?

I mean I get it. Being proud and loving your background is great. But let's face it. YOU WERE BORN AND RAISED IN THE FUCKING UUUUUUNITED STATES. Your hometown is not Beirut or the jnoub or Halba.

It's self proclaimed bullshit to give yourself some sort of proud identity. I actually think it's really selfish. Well intentioned sure - but selfish.

Because really we should mourn all human life lost. And instead of plastering your "grievances" on your blog or on facebook or in text messages, why don't you just take a moment to think about them, pray for them if that's your thing, be thankful for your own life, do what you can to help if it's a situation like Haiti that needs money and political push, and move on with your life. These things happen. It's tragic. But what's even more tragic is people exploiting them to create a self righteous image of caring.

We know you care. And so do I. But announcing it to the interwebz is not going to change anything. Sure, change your status and perhaps let someone know who didn't, remind someone to have them in their thoughts too, etc. But your profile and walking image does not need to be a self indulgent vigil, ESPECIALLY just because you're fucking Lebanese!!!

Damn. It's just annoying.

New blog.

Well you see, I've noticed that my blogs are usually random and whatever I just want to write about and I enjoy that. However, I want a blog that has more of point, a theme, a general thematic purpose. So on that note, I just created a new blog but I will make a post soon about it and when it will be ready for viewing and all that stuff. I really want to make it look different and - well I don't know. I'm working on it. Blogger options are limited (so if you or someone you know has a way of putting custom design into blogger, I would love a tutorial because I honestly would just love to design the page myself, but blogger has limitations i don't know how to get around).

I will always continue this one but I wanted something different to motivate me and hopefully my viewers/readers, something that has a daily theme to it so I have something to keep me going, and also just to have a great record of the things I make. But that's all I'm going to say for right now!

Tastes different.

I don't know what it is but my tastes are changing. Could be temporary but I think it's interesting.

I'm losing my obsession for some of my most favorite indulgences: chocolate, coffee, and all things creamy and greasy.

They are being replaced by: fine honeys, aged and really strong cheese (which used to make me want to barf), mustard (also had the barfing factor), and tea.

And last night I ate a salmon salad...salad...AS A MEAL. I used to think eating salad was a waste of time and a bit like eating crunchy air. But I enjoyed every delicious bite.

I've always worn my hair really short, choppy and a bit on the edgy side and now it's growing longer and flowy on me and I can't wait to have long luscious locks - with curls to boot!

AND GET THIS. I exercise out of pure enjoyment!! Not that half assed i-really-need-to-get-off-my-ass deal where I can't wait to stop and go snuggle up in my bed.

My...taste - so to speak...in people has also been a bit different. I have always surrounded myself with satirical, sardonic, and humorously cynical people. I found it funny, entertaining, and in a way cathartic. The people who are all laughs and quite detached, not exactly expressive of their thoughts or emotions. And I find myself falling away or feeling bored by such environments these days. Actually, people like that have come to really stress me out and bother me.

And I'm drawn to newer things in my life that are simply....well - happy. It's being silly and laughing hysterically at things that really aren't funny in the grand scheme of things but due to the nature of how happy we are around each other, it's fucking hilarious. It's full honesty. Fully genuine. It's comfortable and happy rather than comfortable as a routine or formality. It's optimistic and nice where everyone is really thoughtful of each other and all things feel healthy, fresh, and relaxed.

And it isn't as though it's been a conscious effort to "turn my life around" - a "new year and a new you." No. My tastes in things never bothered me from before. I never consciously thought to myself, "These are bad habits and I need to change." Those previous things always made me just as happy as these new things do now.

It kinda just...happened. Without consciously thinking about it. Sometimes our preferences just change on us.

And I think when these sorts of things happen people try to pull the deep thoughts chord and analyze the hell out of Why am I changing? I say all these things are just interesting turns and twists that happen as we grow up and up and up.

I think I quite like it.

What a TRIP.

Get it? Badump bum. [That's my lame pun drum roll]

So let me explain.

I have been in Savannah, Georgia for the past two days and have just returned back to my sister's house in Atlanta.

I think I saw my future.

I visited SCAD and saw groups of students laughing it up in a VERY NICE iMac lab. I saw school classrooms and hallways covered with amazing designs and paintings. I felt a home in Gallery Espresso, the local coffee shop. And I fell in love with the historical sea side town. I have no idea if that's where I'll end up but I wouldn't mind it. My desire to attend SCAD has increased 3 fold and then some. Whether it's the Atlanta location or the Savannah one is not something I'm sure of, but I know I want to specialize in something with an MFA there. Just seeing all that art work everywhere as a setting for school - hot damn.

I can't wait for the next semester to start.

Hell - I can't even wait to get back to California, load all the programs on my new laptop, and grab my sketch and just start making stuff. I have this strange idea of concocting my own visions of aliens. I've always loved alien looking strange creatures, especially morphed humans like what Jason Felix does. I think I'm going to start playing around with that.

Also if you're even in Savannah, which you should totally go because it's an amazingly beautiful town that has so much interesting history, please dine at Alligator's Soul. Possibly the most amazing dinging experience and food I have ever had. EVER.

That's the sad part.

I don't even think I have genuinely liked someone in years.

I think it's just a matter of proving to myself that I can attract someone.

I guess this isn't even my typical complaint about my romantic life or lack thereof.

Do you ever wonder if your own brain is just fucking with you?

You spend days or even months convinced that you feel or think a certain way, and then at a point that is far too late, you see that you're full of shit and can't do much about it. Sometimes if I think about it too long, it drives me mad. Trusting others is hard enough, but when you have to worry whether or not your own mechanisms are lying to you - well that's just fanfuckingtastic.

I'm all about the short thoughtlets lately - just little flashes of my current brain activity.

On that note, I feel the need to own up to a few more stupid thoughts of mine.

Every New Years and every birthday, one of the first thoughts I have is "This could be the age/year I get that first kiss." True story.

Also.

When I get into arguments, even those little ones like when somebody insults the music I listen to and I get really defensive about it, I replay it in my head over and over across the expanse of some time and each time I get mad. I still replay painful moments from years ago in my head every once and a while and still cringe. Moments like those are just as fresh to me now as they were then. It's not to say that's ALL I think about, but They definitely recur, like time - all of it - is always here, always happening, rather than a sequence of events creating past present and future.

They may be stupid thoughts but at least I know those are true - well, so says my brain right now.

Cross your fingers.