It's frustrating when I can't tell whether or not someone is gay.
Especially when I think I like him.
Although I have never ever been so inclined to have one of these moments, let alone state it, I have a feeling this is one of those "fml" moments everyone keeps talking about.
Now I know I have always chosen guys I can't have but this time I have gone too fucking far.
Too far Dana. TOO FAR.
mercoledì 14 ottobre 2009
martedì 13 ottobre 2009
No one to receive.
I was released from my imprisonment
Eighteen years sentence of rattling the gates and gnawing at cold metal
Chiding the guards to let me out
Candy bar for the keys in your pocket fat sir?
Efforts didn't last long. I settled
made friends with my surroundings
They always left. Got out early.
Bailed out, just doing probation now.
They never shared their secrets
All the visits they paid me shoved betrayal scented shit down my throat
I disguised my gagging face--well.
These four walls are telling me more than you. I want to know how
I went to sleep with thoughts confining
Drowned in a buzz of distraction, distractions bought my freedom
the undefined term was up and my undefined being was out
The dialogue stops because I have no one to talk to
The subject is tired and I'm on the outside
I'm on the outside walking with the dust settled on the empty homeland
Nothing keeping me in here, no escape to work for, no stressful endurance to muster up
No feelings here, only a single dimensional straight walk filled with tasks to complete
To keep me distracted from the desire for an invigoration of sorts
What about turning? Left, right--back.
Back is better than the barren outside.
But I'm on the outside walking with the dust settled on the empty homeland.
Eighteen years sentence of rattling the gates and gnawing at cold metal
Chiding the guards to let me out
Candy bar for the keys in your pocket fat sir?
Efforts didn't last long. I settled
made friends with my surroundings
They always left. Got out early.
Bailed out, just doing probation now.
They never shared their secrets
All the visits they paid me shoved betrayal scented shit down my throat
I disguised my gagging face--well.
These four walls are telling me more than you. I want to know how
I went to sleep with thoughts confining
Drowned in a buzz of distraction, distractions bought my freedom
the undefined term was up and my undefined being was out
The dialogue stops because I have no one to talk to
The subject is tired and I'm on the outside
I'm on the outside walking with the dust settled on the empty homeland
Nothing keeping me in here, no escape to work for, no stressful endurance to muster up
No feelings here, only a single dimensional straight walk filled with tasks to complete
To keep me distracted from the desire for an invigoration of sorts
What about turning? Left, right--back.
Back is better than the barren outside.
But I'm on the outside walking with the dust settled on the empty homeland.
venerdì 9 ottobre 2009
A change of place.
I keep telling myself I need to relocate. But I also kinda think location is what I'm blaming a bigger issue on.
Last week a moment hit when I realized that I hadn't genuinely liked or had a crush on anyone in 3 years.
3 years.
That's absurdity.
And it's not that I haven't found anyone attractive or cool. It isn't as though I'm realizing I'm asexual or something. Although, the thought crossed my mind and deeply frightened me. I then proceeded to find many examples to disprove that theory.
The point is that I haven't found anyone that has seriously and attentively piqued my interest. And I can't for the life of me understand why. Instinctively, I think that it's because I just haven't met anyone, that my "selection" (sorry for the terribly stupid word choice but you get my point) is tired out, pretty much non existent, and proving hopeless. For the most part, school has very few guys and the guys that are there are usually either gay or stereotypically the rich spoiled jocky douchey type. And I'm not a party girl so there really is no forum for me to meet anyone. So that's a no.
Other forms of my social life usually tend to lack guys unless they're my friends' boyfriends and I'm not THAT girl. So that's a no.
My family doesn't have long time child hood friends, people my age that I grew up with. My mother doesn't socialize much anymore. My sister's friends are all girls with husbands so those are the only guys I meet in that circle. So that's a no.
I feel as though I need to live somewhere else to refresh my surroundings.
But I can't tell if it's because of that or if it's simply my inability to accept that certain options are a real possibility. Maybe the longer this takes, the higher my standards get. Dangerously high standards.
What's silly is that I'm not even looking for a relationship. I don't have time for one. At all. The thought of dividing my time even more scares the shit out of me. I just want my heart to do that fluttery thing again when I see him at school or my mouth to do that awkward stuttery thing when I talk to him. I just want someone to immaturely think about, blush about, and talk about with my friends. I can't remember what the hell any of that feels anymore because it's been so damn long since I've felt ANYTHING for a guy.
I want to hold my breath everytime I get a text message and wonder if it's him. I want to do all that stupid shit such as thinking of a reason to see him or call him. Stuff that both people know is planned but don't care about calling out the underlying flirtation.
Flirtation.
FUCK.
I don't even know what that is anymore.
I want to go to the place where that's not true.
I need a new place--whether it be literal or figurative, I just don't know.
But something better change before that part of my heart permanently remains in the state of icy stone.
Last week a moment hit when I realized that I hadn't genuinely liked or had a crush on anyone in 3 years.
3 years.
That's absurdity.
And it's not that I haven't found anyone attractive or cool. It isn't as though I'm realizing I'm asexual or something. Although, the thought crossed my mind and deeply frightened me. I then proceeded to find many examples to disprove that theory.
The point is that I haven't found anyone that has seriously and attentively piqued my interest. And I can't for the life of me understand why. Instinctively, I think that it's because I just haven't met anyone, that my "selection" (sorry for the terribly stupid word choice but you get my point) is tired out, pretty much non existent, and proving hopeless. For the most part, school has very few guys and the guys that are there are usually either gay or stereotypically the rich spoiled jocky douchey type. And I'm not a party girl so there really is no forum for me to meet anyone. So that's a no.
Other forms of my social life usually tend to lack guys unless they're my friends' boyfriends and I'm not THAT girl. So that's a no.
My family doesn't have long time child hood friends, people my age that I grew up with. My mother doesn't socialize much anymore. My sister's friends are all girls with husbands so those are the only guys I meet in that circle. So that's a no.
I feel as though I need to live somewhere else to refresh my surroundings.
But I can't tell if it's because of that or if it's simply my inability to accept that certain options are a real possibility. Maybe the longer this takes, the higher my standards get. Dangerously high standards.
What's silly is that I'm not even looking for a relationship. I don't have time for one. At all. The thought of dividing my time even more scares the shit out of me. I just want my heart to do that fluttery thing again when I see him at school or my mouth to do that awkward stuttery thing when I talk to him. I just want someone to immaturely think about, blush about, and talk about with my friends. I can't remember what the hell any of that feels anymore because it's been so damn long since I've felt ANYTHING for a guy.
I want to hold my breath everytime I get a text message and wonder if it's him. I want to do all that stupid shit such as thinking of a reason to see him or call him. Stuff that both people know is planned but don't care about calling out the underlying flirtation.
Flirtation.
FUCK.
I don't even know what that is anymore.
I want to go to the place where that's not true.
I need a new place--whether it be literal or figurative, I just don't know.
But something better change before that part of my heart permanently remains in the state of icy stone.
sabato 3 ottobre 2009
Oof.
No time in the world ladies and gents. Absolutely no time for anything but school and sleep.
But I thought I'd take a moment to share.
New Muse CD is the bees' knees.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart.
I want recognize your beauty's not just a mask.
I want to exorcise the demons from your past.
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires of your heart.
This song is my favesiez.
New Pearl Jam, Jay-Z, and YACHT is also fabulous. Also stuck in a Tom Waits addiction. His voice makes me all nice and bluesy/jazzy happy inside.
But I thought I'd take a moment to share.
New Muse CD is the bees' knees.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart.
I want recognize your beauty's not just a mask.
I want to exorcise the demons from your past.
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires of your heart.
This song is my favesiez.
New Pearl Jam, Jay-Z, and YACHT is also fabulous. Also stuck in a Tom Waits addiction. His voice makes me all nice and bluesy/jazzy happy inside.
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