Thank you, Emily.

If pain for peace prepares
Lo, what "Augustan" years
Our feet await!

If springs from winter rise,
Can the Anemones
Be reckoned up?

If night stands fast — then noon
To gird us for the sun,
What gaze!

When from a thousand skies
On our developed eyes
Noons blaze!

You took me hostage and made your demands.
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers.
One by one.

I'm a good kid.

I really REALLY hate it when people think I'm a heathen because of the way I dress or the way I do my hair.

I'm sorry I'm not your perfect cookie cutter Muslim girl.
I'm sorry I don't think my body and my hair is something I should hide.
I'm sorry you expect me to limit my self-expression because I'M supposed to control the way a man looks at me.
I'm sorry creativity and uniqueness equal sin to you.

But to be honest with you, I'm not regretfully sorry. I'm only sorry for you--the person who does not know how to not judge or assume I don't speak Arabic or act surprised when I say Salam Alaikum or assume I'm an unholy non-believer that parades around with my crazy hair and loose friends.

I'm proud to be Muslim and I'm proud to be a woman. And standing by both of those can exist without diminishing the other.

I'm proof of it.

A thing occurred to me.

Does anybody read this?

A dependency I adore.

Carol Goodman never ever lets me down. I'm only 50 pgs in, and I'm already addicted to The Sonnet Lover. I hope to be as well written, creative, and emotionally charged an author as she is. Her stories are always complex but so well told, not to mention she always has art, music, literature, and poetry in everything she writes. Everything I love between my two palms.

Right now, all I can and all I want to do is get lost in the world of fiction. Because reality is such bullshit.

All my fears fall on deaf ears.

You will do foolish things with enthusiasm.




This ruined puzzle is beige with the pieces all face down. So the placing goes slowly, the pictures of anything other than it's meant to be.

But the hours they creep.
Patterns repeat.
Don't be concerned.
You know, I'll be fine on my own.

So I have discovered.

I absolutely LOVE William Gedney. I'm too lazy to resize. Just click on the image.

Holy shit, I say.

Jan 19, 2009 to Feb 18, 2009

The Sun enters Aquarius in mid-winter (in the Northern Hemisphere). Much of the world's population faces cold weather and long nights at this time of the year. This is a perfect opportunity to step back from the daily grind and take a larger view of life. Aquarius wants to understand the big social patterns that define the culture so that it can be reformed and modernized.

After Capricorn (a practical earth sign) turns its ambition into form and structure, Aquarius comes along to change it. Airy Aquarius opens the doors and windows, breaks down the barriers and fights for the equality of all living things. Hierarchy is reshaped into a collective crystal where all are one, yet each is different. This combination of concern for the group with total commitment to the rights of the individual is essential to the nature of Aquarius.

The Not So Wet Water Bearer

It's natural to think of the Water Bearer as a water sign, but it's not. It's an air, or mental, sign that is primarily concerned with ideas and concepts. The Water Bearer symbol represents the human mind that elevates us above our emotions (water). Aquarius, in fact, often uses intellect to distance itself from feelings.

Aquarius is also a fixed sign because it occupies the middle of a season. Fixed signs (Taurus, Leo and Scorpio are the others) are basically resistant to change, except on their own terms. Aquarius, as a detached air sign, may be the most open to change of this group.

Between the Ideal and the Real

Aquarius' inspired idealism is sometimes more conceptual than concrete. Airy Aquarius can find it more comfortable to believe in people collectively, than get close to them individually. It's hard to be intimate (it's so messy) when your standards are so high. The gap between the ideal and the real can be painful for some Aquarians, making intimate relationships difficult.

Aquarius needs space and freedom. Sloppy sentimentality and overly emotional situations feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it's that Aquarius expects so much from him or herself. Getting close means exposing flaws and fears, making one feel far from ideal.

The challenge for many Aquarians (or those with personal planets in this sign) is to keep the connection between mind and heart open, and to accept the tender vulnerability of human feelings.

The Human Revolution

The key, or ruling, planet of Aquarius is Uranus, a symbol of radicalism and liberty. Aquarians often consider themselves to be above the rules that govern the rest of us. These frequently exceptional people need freedom and often excel in circumstances of their own making.

This time of year, then, is one in which we all have a chance to see ourselves in a new light. It's the month when the wild and crazy may begin to appear possible and real. We are also reminded of the bond that connects all human beings, yet honors the uniqueness of each individual, making new forms of relationship possible.

In this burgeoning Age of Aquarius we are called upon to recognize that we are more than organic beings bound up by a past filled with old values, memories and wounds. We are, rather, visitors from the future in the process of creating ourselves with our every thought and word. As we free ourselves from physical labor and connect our minds with new technologies, we are no longer bound by traditional ideas of order. We become fully human and free to love without fear or possessiveness.

Famous Aquarians

Aquarian innovators include artists Eduoard Manet, the founder of Impressionism, and action painter Jackson Pollack. The struggle for freedom has been waged in different ways by Aquarians Jackie Robinson, Rosa Parks, Angela Davis, Oprah Winfrey, Ayn Rand and Betty Friedan.

Aquarius writer Jules Verne was a true visionary, while the visions of Yoko Ono and Alice Cooper are, perhaps, more bizarre than revolutionary. Ernie Kovacs, Matt Groening, Ellen DeGeneres, John Belushi and Chris Rock have all used comedy to shake the system. Bob Marley used music, as have Aquarians Peter Gabriel, Sarah McLachlan, Garth Brooks and Sheryl Crow.

Paul Newman has played so many rebellious young men with his cool Aquarius blue eyes. John Travolta, Bridget Fonda, Minnie Driver, Jennifer Aniston, Rene Russo, Christian Bale, James Spader, Seth Green, Joe Pesci, Geena Davis and Christina Ricci are other successful Aquarius actors.

So I bolded the "HOLY SHIT" moments I had when reading this, but really the whole thing is just utterly accurate and pretty weird.

Here it is again.

Entering yet another Alkaline Trio addiction phase. I'm pretty sure it's like a monthly thing now.

http://www.rockabilia.com/product.php?productid=71344&cat=2395&page=1

http://www.rockabilia.com/product.php?productid=67562&cat=2395&page=1

http://www.ebandstore.com/Punk/Alkaline-Trio/Alkaline-Trio-Heart-Skull/

I love their uninhibited fascination with blood and strange dark things. Plus, they're still fucking cool with black lipstick on. WHO DOES THAT? Amazing.

20th Birthday Wish List

1. DocMarten Boots: http://www.dmusastore.com/pc-2106-10-triumph-1914-w.aspx (UK size 5)
2. Timber Timbre CD
3. New Buffalo CD
4. Any of the books listed here (used and old copies are okay...loved actually):

Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr
Any Neil Geiman
Any Carol Goodman I don't have (I have seduction of water and the lake of dead languages)
Any Johnathan Safran Foer book, I really need to own those
Any C.S. Lewis
Any J.D. Salinger
War and Peace, Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
Paradiso (Dante)
Beautiful and Damned (Fitzgerald)
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (Lewis Carroll)
The Awakening and Selected Short Fiction (Kate Chopin)
The Brothers Karamazov (Fyodor Dostoevsky)
Beowulf (Translated by John McNamara)
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Collected Oscar Wilde
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
Dracula by Bram Stoker
The Importance of Being Earnest and Four Other Plays by Oscar Wilde
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
Paradise Lost by John Milton
Poetics and Rhetoric by Aristotle
Possessed by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Pygmalion and Three Other Plays by George Bernard Shaw
Republic by Plato
This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Utopia by Thomas More
Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray
The Waste Land and Other Poems by T. S. Eliot
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

5. Gilmore Girls seasons 3 - 7
6. Another Art Now day planner
7. Kat Von D liquid eye liner in the dark greenish gold color
8. Cool puzzles
9. Alkaline Trio shirt and/or poster but only if it's super cool
10. Amazing teas
11. Art supplies!
12. coffee table art or tattoo books.
13. Cute workout clothes....especially a sports bra. I'm stick to my new year's resolution so far!!! err...one of them atleast.

Alright I'm pushing it.
Good night.

Cheers to supercharged and super weird dreams.

I had a really absurd dream last night. I know there was more to it, but the two scenes I remember were strange enough. I don't even want to know what else went on. The first scene I was driving through a neighborhood that looked vaguely similar the street outside Lauren Martinelli's house. I got pulled over and the cop walks up and it's my Dad...but he isn't dressed as a cop. And so instead of the whole cop shpeel, he starts telling me one of his funny stories...but I was still treating him like a cop even though I knew it was my Dad. And in the dream, it didn't throw me at all, i was just emotionally indifferent. This is the point where I woke up scratching my eye out. Some sort of allergic reaction made eye swell up to a massive red golf ball last night. After a few eye drops, I went back to bed.

So scene two...completely different. My family and the family of my fiance-ish man were all at someone's house or a really syrian restaurant type place. I couldn't really tell....that, or it kept changing. There was conversation and then everyone got up and started saying bye. We walked out and my mom got mad at me because I didn't say bye to "him" (no name) and then I felt so guilty cause i saw him walking away in the parking lot by himself, kinda sad looking. So i called his name and he turned around with the most hopeful and relieved expression that I ran over to him. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and then he held me and I gave him a hug. And then...

him: I love you
Me: I love you too.
and then there was a long pause of us just hugging. then he barely just quietly whispered to himself
him: i love you even more.
and then i put my cheek against his and whispered
me: you're so sweet.

I don't know why but as cheesy and cliche as the words were, it was the most sweet, emotional, and genuine expression. I felt like my heart just fused to something I would never understand or get enough of, but I didn't care at all. You know how my dreams are so emotionally potent and charged? Oh my god I woke up with the same emotions and have been feeling them all day. It's so weird, because it's NOT REAL! hahah.....

Is it sad that I'm happy because the emotions are so real, but get really sad when I remember that it was a dream? Pathetic, actually, is a better word. Pathetic.

Oh vell.

Everyday I wake up.

I choose love.
I choose light.
And I try.

It's so easy just to fall apart.

Opposites are really the same.

Ever dug your feet into blistering hot sand and had a moment where it actually felt cold?
Ever touched ice until it burned?

If you turn right enough times, you really went left.

Outside my house is inside the community.

If you travel east long enough, you'll be on the west coast.

If you love someone, they're really the only one you can really hate.

Hate is such a strong emotion. Yet we say it so much.

Maybe this isn't true for many people, but I'm the type of person that if I don't like you or if I dislike your values or qualities, I don't expend the energy it requires to HATE someone. Honestly, think about it. HATE is such a passionate emotion, such a driven and draining emotion. If someone is so worthless to me, they are not worth the bother. With the exception of out right evil people that go out of their way to do harm to others, you can really only hate a person you love. If a loved one wrongs you, you fill up with this raging emotion...to me that is hate...comprised of hurt and disappointment in some cases. But it never means I stop loving them. The opposites coexist.

Which brings me to another interesting thing, hate is fleeting. Love is permanent. You can hate your mom for the day she calls you a bitch in a heated argument, but you never stop loving her no matter how many times she does it. No matter how many days have passed that you haven't spoken to an old best friend, you can't stop loving them if you've loved them once. It may change to a distant caring or an occasional lingering thought of affection on a nostalgic day, but it's always there.

I can't say exactly how I got to thinking about this. I guess after thinking about it, it comes from how I refuse and almost fear investing in someone or growing to love someone if I don't value their ideals or thoughts or ways of life or respect who they are or what they do with their life. Because that means having a place for them in my heart for the rest of time. You just can't shake someone you love and the idea of holding onto a person like that scares me. I keep my love for people I'm amazed by, people who inspire me, people whom I can't fathom my life without.

I expect too much from people, but I only do it because I know that "too much" is possible. Humans are capable of "too much." And I don't think that's silly or too demanding or unreasonable. It's what I want and it's what I'm working on, making myself a person that deserves such.

It's why I don't bother making friends with every friendly or funny person. It's why I don't care to attend every social event. I have the ones i value. I have the ones I love. Most others, I don't bother with. They are not people i feel to be worth the energy. For me, they are not "too much."

It's why I've been alone all my life, and of course I mean the alone that friends and family are exempt from. And perhaps that's why I'm going to be alone for a while. I'm okay with that. Because I want the one I value. I want the one I will love, I want the one that has enough of me, enough to have the power to draw out my hatred. I want the one whose love I won't mind not being able to shake and whose occasional hatred will always be fleeting. A man who is "too much."

That'd be nice.

Oscar Wilde is magnificent.

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

Escaping negativity.

I feel like I'm one of a very few positive people in this world.
I really do see things a half cup full and I really do have more faith in people than most give themselves.

I said that the other day and I got yet another negative answer.

"If you have faith in people, they're just going to let you down."

Well even if that is true, I give people the chance to let me down. I can't look at someone and not have faith in them to be good before they even have the chance to do or say anything. Humans can't be good unless others give them the opportunity to be just that. It's not fair. Everyone just assumes the worst in people these days.

Yeah sure, human beings have shown to be pretty fucked up. But it only seems like the whole world is like that because so much negativity focuses on more negativity. Why can't we take a moment to think of all the good hearts in this world instead of assuming everyone is selfish and evil in nature?

I understand the world isn't perfect. I'm realistic. I'm just not pessimistic. There's a difference.

I think the biggest issue in why things are so fucked up is because human beings aren't looking at other human beings for what they are worth. They aren't having faith in them at all. We see each other as worthless evil only waiting for the moment to screw each other over and fuck everything up.

That's part of why shit like this massacre in Gaza is happening.

And my belief to have more faith in people is why I'll never give up and let pessimism take hold.
I see the worth and goodness in my friends and that's why I never give up on them.
I give people the benefit of the doubt even when they are complete assholes.

I just always think, "There's gotta be a reason why they're like this...a reason that can change if someone gives them a smile for a change."

I just have to remind myself to stay positive. I really don't want to become like the rest of the world and lose faith in the human race.

Il Primo.

I thought it would be good to have a separate blog for things I do, in fact, want to share with people since my other blog is just for my little ole self. And what better time to do so than the first day of the new year.

Enjoy the Italian theme ladies and gents.