I keep telling myself I need to relocate. But I also kinda think location is what I'm blaming a bigger issue on.
Last week a moment hit when I realized that I hadn't genuinely liked or had a crush on anyone in 3 years.
3 years.
That's absurdity.
And it's not that I haven't found anyone attractive or cool. It isn't as though I'm realizing I'm asexual or something. Although, the thought crossed my mind and deeply frightened me. I then proceeded to find many examples to disprove that theory.
The point is that I haven't found anyone that has seriously and attentively piqued my interest. And I can't for the life of me understand why. Instinctively, I think that it's because I just haven't met anyone, that my "selection" (sorry for the terribly stupid word choice but you get my point) is tired out, pretty much non existent, and proving hopeless. For the most part, school has very few guys and the guys that are there are usually either gay or stereotypically the rich spoiled jocky douchey type. And I'm not a party girl so there really is no forum for me to meet anyone. So that's a no.
Other forms of my social life usually tend to lack guys unless they're my friends' boyfriends and I'm not THAT girl. So that's a no.
My family doesn't have long time child hood friends, people my age that I grew up with. My mother doesn't socialize much anymore. My sister's friends are all girls with husbands so those are the only guys I meet in that circle. So that's a no.
I feel as though I need to live somewhere else to refresh my surroundings.
But I can't tell if it's because of that or if it's simply my inability to accept that certain options are a real possibility. Maybe the longer this takes, the higher my standards get. Dangerously high standards.
What's silly is that I'm not even looking for a relationship. I don't have time for one. At all. The thought of dividing my time even more scares the shit out of me. I just want my heart to do that fluttery thing again when I see him at school or my mouth to do that awkward stuttery thing when I talk to him. I just want someone to immaturely think about, blush about, and talk about with my friends. I can't remember what the hell any of that feels anymore because it's been so damn long since I've felt ANYTHING for a guy.
I want to hold my breath everytime I get a text message and wonder if it's him. I want to do all that stupid shit such as thinking of a reason to see him or call him. Stuff that both people know is planned but don't care about calling out the underlying flirtation.
Flirtation.
FUCK.
I don't even know what that is anymore.
I want to go to the place where that's not true.
I need a new place--whether it be literal or figurative, I just don't know.
But something better change before that part of my heart permanently remains in the state of icy stone.
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i'm going on my fifth year of bachelorhood, and i've asked myself the same questions you are. my conclusion: you are not a lover who does not love forever. you can no more forget how to love than you can forget how to breath, and if the ability to love, to feel, to kiss and to flirt is in you then no stretch of years, dulling past romance into memory, the lack of practice or participant will ever kill it.
RispondiEliminaas much as you fear, those fears are only the boundary that encloses your understanding. you do not know what lies outside, and that is the adventure you must take if you are to grow as a person. instead, hope and trust in yourself, because doubt and despair are reasons for cowards. dare to be... courageous, in the face of what you do not know about yourself.