Aghem.

I'm spinning here
alone
watching everything become
everything
arms twisted up
above

up above up above up above

Force drives me
crazy
seeing blurry things
clearly
heart stay still
here

still here still here still here

This morning, I woke up.

Feeling brand new.

I had what I can say to be a pretty amazing night last night - just me and Shan being ridiculous and laughing to the point of no return.

"Dude ur def like my best friend here...thanks so much guch" (She calls me guch, short for gucci...it's a long story)

^best text message ever

Great night and chill morning with some amazing (and new) people in this life of mine.
Everything else - the part where people don't treat me right but all I want to do is be good with them again - is finally not the first thing on my mind today.

You know how I do.

girl actin' like a bitch
breakin ma heart
tearin everything apart
all for no god damn reason
tis the season
to put it in the past
what once was first
must now be the last

I mean...I'm just sayin'

I've been listening to a lot of hip hop lately...a lot. And I don't mean the nonsense stuff. I mean the good shit. And for some ridiculous reason, rap lines started coming together in my head. That shit you just read? It has a fuckin' beat to it too.

Cathartic as hell and also makes me laugh pretty hard-- straight through the tears.

Don't hate.

It's really sad.

It's really sad that every time my phone rings my heart races and I hold my breath.
It's really sad I don't want to sign on to facebook because I don't want to see someone NOT talking to me, but talking to everyone else.
It's really sad that I'm chasing something that doesn't want me.
It's really sad that I can't say "I'm over it" without lying.
It's really sad that I can't sleep right now.
It's really sad that I've gotten about 10 hours of attention in the last year.
It's really sad that I know that.
It's really sad that I never thought there was something wrong with that.
It's really sad that the new and exciting things right now seem drowned.
It's really sad that I thought I was so important.
It's really sad that everyone who knows me tells me the same damn things that should be obvious.
It's really sad that I always get defensive when they do.
It's really sad that I always have to explain why I'm still in this.

It's really sad that all of this which sounds like a stupid boy fling is really my best friend.

It's just really fucking sad.

Twirl.

I've been having this recurring image in my head for the past week or so of me swirling my arms above my head like how DNA strands wrap around each other. And then the rest of my body follows just spinning and gaining speed, like an Olympic ice skater on solid, room temperature ground.

It comes and goes as it pleases. And it makes me want to physically do it.

I don't know what to do with it.

It must be done.

So here it is.
The newest standard of best cat video of all time. (In my books at least)

You're a wolf boy, get out of this town.

Good god, last night, the night of my 21st birthday, was amazing.

But good god, today was hell. Sister's health is compromised while I officially validate my choice to never ever have children. Adoption all the way bitches.

Talk about a bi-polar weekend. And I didn't get any homework done. So you know, tomorrow should be fuckin' great too.

rawr

You're in a lion's fight.

Just because you didn't win, doesn't mean you don't know how to roar.



also



It's hard to take last place when you've spent years being convinced you're in first.

I thought it was okay. I thought, maybe in action it doesn't show, but in thought...I just know it. It's there. After this long? It has to be there.

But I'm running a never ending race. One I can't win. One that doesn't end. One that makes me tired and hateful and wasteful with the strength I've built up for myself.



also



ENDLESS

it's like i'm running
running and running
running
not from anything, not from something
from something in front of me
running from something i get closer to
with each panicked footing
heaving breaths, rotting muscles

i'll get there, i'll get there
in the end, i'll be first
in the end, i'll matter
in the end
but i need to breathe
in the end

Heart compartments.

You never stop feeling things for people.

People are your best friends. Your love interests. Your first potential falling in love person.

But even when the heartbreak crashes in, even when the betrayals stab deep, you feel things, the same things, for them.

Even when time rolls on by and the awkwardness fades and you reach the friendly conversation again that you know will never go past that or you haven't spoken to them in 10 years, you still feel things.

The things you feel for the many people who have come in and walked out are as good as new even when you wish they were old, tattered, torn, and sitting at the bottom of the land fill.