An old subject.

My timing is off
But sometimes that's how it all works
Believe it or not
We don't have a choice in matters of the heart
Just gotta be brave enough
To love and let yourself - be loved

-Eels

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"So do you have a boyfriend?"

"Nope."

"Have you ever been in a serious relationship?"

"Nope."

"You've never had any sort of relationship?"

"Nope."

"Wow, really?"

"Yup."

[silence, while a smirk cracks my facial expression]

"I've never even had my first kiss."

"What!? Hah, that's bullshit. No you're totally lying."

"No. No I'm not. I swear, I never have."

"How old are you?"

"20."

"No way...hahah that's crazy. So why do you think that is?

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People never believe the truth about me

When I hang out with friends, they often talk about mutual friends who have issues of being with people--people who are messing up current relationships or are with the wrong person all because they're afraid of letting it all out on the line or of losing control--and I'm thinking...I feel as though they're talking about me. They're going off about how terrible the things this friend is doing and all I can do is stand there quietly too ashamed to say I understand, too vulnerable to the opposition I get when I finally defend the girl because I get what she feels. And it isn't because I have been in relationships and have done that--it's because I haven't been in a relationship and fear doing that. I fear being afraid. It's a fucking stupid conundrum.

Or maybe I'm just afraid of even getting to that point. I don't want to appear weak. I don't want to show I'm falling for someone when I don't know if they're falling with me

I'm not afraid of letting someone in. I am 100% ready for all of that. I want someone to show every bit of myself to and I am very confident and comfortable with becoming close to someone. I'm not afraid of that if I know what I'm doing is for and with the right person--right meaning both right at the time and/or right for life.

What I am afraid of is being mistaken, of doing all those wonderful things with someone who just wanted to fool around with me or just wanted to be friends or is just a friendly guy that never really had any interest in me.

I'm afraid of looking stupid.
Of looking weak.
Of being pitied.
Of not having the upper hand.

But I never show it.

I just come off as the shy girl or the girl that wasn't interested. Thus, my current predicament in life: never having anything with a guy.

All of this is strange to admit because I don't know how people will take it. I don't want guys to think there's gotta be something off or wrong if that's the truth. She's never had a damn thing before. What's the weird catch with this chick?

I don't think that's the case and I kinda resent that line of thought. I think that should/could be true of girls who HAVE been with many. I don't know why people seem to be scared or uninterested when it comes to me. They should be scared of the girls that can't seem to make something they have work.

I think I would be an awesome girlfriend. Maybe I just need to be better at getting people to see that or believe that.

In a way, I'm actually really thankful it's been this way for me. The idea of my happiness lying in the hands of someone else scares and disgusts me. I think that not being involved in something all these years has made me into someone that knows how to be happy on my own with what I DO have, instead of being happy only with the one thing I don't have.

The one thing I am glad about is that I can confidently say I haven't given up and I don't ever want to give up despite all these discouraging thoughts--despite my current extremely "inexperienced" (for lack of a better word. I really hate how that sounds.) position in life/love.

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HE is an ART

you need this wrench

i'm bad at this...the tool is complicated

you need to wrench it tighter. you're not doing it right.

i told you i'm bad at this

no, pound the H in. it's sticking out. and look at the R. it just needs a small tweak. the E is slightly off, see? where the hell is the T? what did you do with the T? it's not even there. you're not even trying. at least you've got the A right...it could use a little more.

i can't i can't do it.

just try it again.

it doesn't make a difference. i can't fix it. i can't wrench it. i can't affect it. see? look how it just sits, just as it was. not changed at all. it's just the same as it has always been. just the same as it has always been.

but it was just hanging in the balance. i saw it myself. it was succumbing, falling, bending with your hard work.

oh that? that's temporary, an initial response. happens all the time. i thought it was a sign of success the first time too. but you have poor experience in my line of work. it's just normal. not a sign of anything. it's steady now. look--fully balanced.

try to keep that imbalance next time. you can't just sit back and let your hard work go back to where it started. push it over, make it fall for you. you have the tools. it's easy.

i can't. i push. i pull. i pound. i try. nothing happens. it's fruitless. no reward for my efforts. only punishments. i told you. i'm bad at this.

oh--well....you're doing it wrong. look there's another one. never been wrenched or tweaked before. as good as new. knows nothing of what to expect. easy to fall. simple to break. try this. take this wrench. it's better. turn it into something beautiful.

but i'm afraid. nervous it won't work. these tools don't make for beautiful things when in my hands. they don't make for beautiful things. my hands. i can't. they don't make. no it won't be art of any sort. at all. i told you i'm bad at this. i can't remind myself of that. again and again.

oh--well...