That's the sad part.

I don't even think I have genuinely liked someone in years.

I think it's just a matter of proving to myself that I can attract someone.

I guess this isn't even my typical complaint about my romantic life or lack thereof.

Do you ever wonder if your own brain is just fucking with you?

You spend days or even months convinced that you feel or think a certain way, and then at a point that is far too late, you see that you're full of shit and can't do much about it. Sometimes if I think about it too long, it drives me mad. Trusting others is hard enough, but when you have to worry whether or not your own mechanisms are lying to you - well that's just fanfuckingtastic.

I'm all about the short thoughtlets lately - just little flashes of my current brain activity.

On that note, I feel the need to own up to a few more stupid thoughts of mine.

Every New Years and every birthday, one of the first thoughts I have is "This could be the age/year I get that first kiss." True story.

Also.

When I get into arguments, even those little ones like when somebody insults the music I listen to and I get really defensive about it, I replay it in my head over and over across the expanse of some time and each time I get mad. I still replay painful moments from years ago in my head every once and a while and still cringe. Moments like those are just as fresh to me now as they were then. It's not to say that's ALL I think about, but They definitely recur, like time - all of it - is always here, always happening, rather than a sequence of events creating past present and future.

They may be stupid thoughts but at least I know those are true - well, so says my brain right now.

Cross your fingers.